What is the real problem?

I wonder why people run? If you think one way of yourself, then why do things never work out. Now that I have school under control, I feel like I am missing something. Its weird to be lonely because I was never the type to need a man. I would love to have one though. Not even on a boyfriend level but the companionship of a person of the opposite sex is strongly being missed. I feel like I am at a stand still and feeling like this has me not thinking like myself. I am beyond independent and goal orientated but I am not the type of woman that thinks she can be without men.

It been about 11 months since my ex-boyfriend was found cheating on me. When I asked him what I did or what went wrong, he said "nothing, I was the perfect girlfriend". This statement blows my mind because if he claims he was satisfied then why did it end the way it did. How is it possible for someone to give their all and things still don't work out. I have never cheated and I put 100 % on everything I do yet I still get treated wrongly.

For once, I would like to just meet a nice guy. A real man who know what telling the truth is. Who is not scared to show his feelings and be attached to one woman. Who knows and appreciates that I want him and do not need him. Who is secure enough to do what he needs to do in his life so that the relationship can work. Who is not scared of a relationship for that matter. Who knows how to treat a woman without her having to tell him. I feel like I am asking too much but I feel like it is very easy to keep me happy.

FILLED VOID

CONFUSED AND TO WHY

THAT OTHER HALF CONTINUES TO LIE

AS I TRY

MY HARDEST. TRY MY HARDEST TO BE YOURS

SUCCESS IS RUNNING OUT MY PORES

YET YOU STILL DON'T WANT ME

WHAT IS LEFT

THIS MUST BE A TEST

A TEST OF MY ABILITY TO THRIVE

CONTINUING TO STRIVE

THOUGH I AM CARRYING YOU

YOUR DOUBLE WEIGHT IS GETTING OLD

WHAT HAPPENED TO OLD SCHOOL CHIVALRY

IS IT FOREVER DONE?

I KNOW I AM BETTER THEN SOME

ITS IN MY BLOOD TO PERSEVERE.

NOW WHAT?

WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT?

IT SEEMS LIKE I HAVE TO SUFFER

YOU CANT EXPRESS YOURSELF, I SUFFER

YOU FALL INTO THAT TYPICAL CATEGORY

THAT YOU CLAIM SO HARD YOU DON'T WANT TO FIT INTO

I SUFFER

YOU RUN YOUR LIFE ON THIS DOUBLE STANDARD

AND SINCE YOU MESS UP MY IMAGE OF PRINCE CHARMING

I SUFFER

YET I STILL LOVE HARD

I LOVE MYSELF LIKE YOU CANT IMAGINE

TRUST ME ITS WITH A PASSION YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU ARE MISSING

THIS VOID WILL ALWAYS BE FILLED WHETHER YOU ARE AROUND OR NOT

BUT I WANT YOU IN THAT SPOT

I WANT YOU TO BE THE MAN MY EXPECTATIONS BUILD YOU UP TO BE

YOU MADE A FOOL OF ME,

LOOK WHAT YOU DO TO ME,

ARE YOU THROUGH WITH ME?

WHY AREN'T YOU MAN ENOUGH TO TELL ME?

SPARE ME

THE DETAILS OF YOUR EXCUSES AND COME CLOSER

COME INTO MY WORLD AND RECEIVE YOUR HAPPINESS

BECAUSE I WILL FOREVER BE A QUEEN...

ARE YOU THAT KING?

FINALLY?

College Chronicles Part I

So this is it for me....so i thought. I guess its a good thing though. I was offered a job by my University to assist wit research. Sounds great right? The catch is that I have to stay for another semester. So I will be done but I will still be in state college and walking in the spring. I guess its an okay trade off. Today was my first day of classes and I am so glad that I am in love with my major...Kinesiology Fitness studies/ Sports Psychology. Everything is making sense and I am ready to begin practicing my knowledge and skills. I was thinking LA or NY.

My mind is slightly torn due to the fact that I am focused on what I need to do with my upcoming show. I have three solos Sept 14 and I am nervous actually. Though I have been doing this for 19 years, I am the only one not local right now so I am missing week rehearsals. The Photo shoot went well...stay tuned

The Life of a Dancer

So I have a show coming up September 13th and 14th and our director has been drilling us into the ground. Both of my feet are split open and its beginning to take a toll on my body. Classes start monday and I cant believe it is my last semester.

This past season with the dance company has made me begin to think about age. Its a dancer in the company who is 40 years old and she had a solo. In the world of dance, 40 is the real 60. Her body is beginning to take a toll on her and she got her solo taken away. I received her part and now she is very upset with me.

I cant imagine myself getting old as a dancer for some reason. What is youthfullnes in any form of the word? What if you had the mind of a happy 21 year old but your body begins to fail you? I wonder how much the body is affected by the mind. Many who meet me say that I act younger then my age and others say I carry myself much older than I am. Sometimes I just wonder how such different perceptions can be seen by different people.


Staying on this perception thing, I was watching the TLC show "How To Look Good Naked". This african american woman had one child and suddenly thought her body was horrible. Dont get me wrong, she had a little extra weight on but nowhere enough for her to feel like she was fat and out of shape. The show host took her and fitted her for the correct bras size, more flattering clothing and suddenly she felt better about herself. Does this type of behavior come with age? I cant imagine my clothes determining how I feel about myself. Then again, she said she was crying because she was used to a tight body. It is my goal to not let my biological clock get the best of me, or the dancer me.

Trying something new

I was never into this blog thing until I saw someone that pulled my eye. I began to try to find him and i came across his blog page You may say I'm blogging by default but the more I began to look into it, I really think I will be enjoying it for myself. I have books and journals galore due to all of my writing and chronicles of my experience as a dancer. I have been thinking of a way to preserve them and it seems blogging may be the solution for me. Hopefully, my initial reason that caused me to stumble upon blogging will become a reality in some way or another.

SerAnaDE